Immanence
So this is me, manic. Who’da thunk?
No, really, this was way unexpected. And I’ve had no stinkin’ antidepressants either, just old’ school anticonvulsants; this week I took my first non-anticonvulsant med and it was an antipsychotic. I’ve been depressed all my life, mostly the dysthimic, “soft” kind of depressed comparable to the chinese torture where they tie you down and let a tiny droplet of water fall on your head every ten seconds.
But with some random lashes of the real stuff too. And then, when the last straw broke, maybe a year ago, a psychiatrist (whom I shall refer as my shrink) diagnosed a case of “soft” bipolar II and gave me anticonvulsants with a soft, very soft antidepressant edge. Then I fliped out. Not like now, anyway. They never expected the spanish inquisition that even though I’d get better from the depression and have longer and longer periods of stability and an improving overall functioning (a better social life, an actual job), I’d be getting these progressively higher crises of [hypomania.
Thinking back, I've had a couple of [hypo]manias before treatment. Guess I am bipolar after all. I shall refer to them all as manias; apparently you only get to call them manias if you spontaneously self-combust from the sheer self-destructive behaviour, and as long as you have a shred of consciousness you don’t get to be manic.
I have a shred of consciousness. I’m here at work, where everyone’s wearing a suit and I’m supposed to be preparing for an important meeting in two hours, and I’m in my “KILL YOUR POP STARS” t-shirt setting up the blog journal for the book I’ve been writing for a few weeks now. But I noticed that. I’ve not gone psychotic, I’m just having fun. Because contrary to what jaggerian though proposes, I can always get what I want.
I mean, I’ve been writing the book for a couple of weeks now and I’ll probably be writing for several months now. Why choose start the blog journal now, or start it at all?
For one, I’m manic. I’ve been having an average of two hours of sleep for the last few weeks — and that’s some nights with four hours and some nights with zero — in spite of being on an ever-increasing dose of benzos and now an ever increasing dose of antipsychotic. Also, I do want to get published, and documenting the proces of writing while having the rollercoaster life, as well as posting random snippets, could help.
The book, ah, the book. What is it about? I’m actually manic enough I could tell you it is about the stars and longboard truck maintenance (the provisory title was “The inverted truck”, because of the adjustment pin on longboard skateboards inverted trucks, which can make them either more stable and less powerful or vice-versa).
I should actually get out and do something physical. A later post will explain the post. This, for the time being, will be the “sticky” post; later on a combination of the two will be the combi-sticky post and we’ll have some real activity here.
Breadcrumb trails:
Anticonvulsant, Antidepressants, Antipsychotic, Bipolar, Bipolar Ii, Chinese Torture, depression, Destructive Behaviour, Droplet Of Water, Lashes, Last Straw, Manias, meta, Pop Stars, Psychiatrist, Real Stuff, Shred, Spanish Inquisition, Ten Seconds, Thunk, Tiny Droplet, Water FallRelated posts:
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