// μ = m // dayvan cowboy // music is math

I did it again. Why did I do it again? This shit’s not safe in my hands.

There’s this scene in “Fear and loathing in Las Vegas”, the movie. Raoul Duke was paranoid that the cops might have found his secret stash of … pineal gland. Dr. Gonzo inquires further. That’s supposed to be the best ultraconcentrated dope, and you’re supposed to take just a little droplet to trip for days on end. Dr. Gonzo goes and takes everything, and starts having a huge bad trip. Duke just looks at him and says “Look at your face. You’re about to explode.” He’s kinda pissed that Gonzo finished up all of his stash at once, but he’s also concerned about his voyage buddy, so it averages out to being unconcerned. In the same cynical voice he starts to ramble.

“You took too much, man. You took too much, too much.

Don’t try and fight it you’ll get brain bubbles, aneurysms

You’ll just whither up and die”

all while Dr. Gonzo is apparently swimming on his bed or something.

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I did it again. I took 10mg Ritalin straight — how long ago? Eleven hours ago. When the focus thing started to warble out, about say, four hours ago I took 5mg more. Yep, I one-upped myself. I’m just not safe around this stuff. And I didn’t really accomplish anything nearly proportional to the megadose I did — I should have just had 5mg and be satisfied with whatever I could accomplish with that, but somehow I wanted to do this faster, do this better, and now I’m fucked up, fucked up.

I’m mainly fucked up because I spent the entire focused out time reorganizing material and doing the new part slowly trying to get everything just perfect and now I just found out about coherent risk measures (look it up on wikipedia) and my brain screams “Prove relative volatilities are a coherent risk measure” — quick mental workout shows it’s not — “Find the conditions such that the ordinary regression beta (in a CAPM model) is a coherent risk measure” — except risk in CAPM is really beta times (market returns minus risk free returns). And no one ever attempted it. I’m supposed to be doing rote work, and my brain wants to work on stuff no one ever dared step into? I mean, it’s probably too hard, too hard, there’s really big brains working on that stuff.

Can you see I’m hypomanic? I still have a lot of energy to get more stuff done, but my brain drives me to chaos. The chaos in my brain — this is more than even ordinary mania — Ritalin first contains the chaos in my brain then it unleashes it, and jesuschrist my brain is a chaos factory that keeps on giving, so try and contain that for a number of hours and you have a crazy person when it dries out.

I’m actually shaking. There’s this point in “Fear and loathing in Las Vegas” where Duke wakes up after who knows what happened and you hear his internal monologue.

“Get a grip. Maintain.”.

Get a grip on sanity. Get a grip. Use up all the energy fruitfully. Don’t listen to the chaos, just do the damn rote work you’re getting paid for. You took too much, man. You took too much, too much, and now you need to get a grip and realize you’re gonna be awake for hours and you need to do this rote work.

I feel pressure in my head from inside outwards. Am I gonna really get necrotized blood vessels as crazymeds.us says? Where’s the PI sheet for this fucking thing? Is there an aneurysm risk? 15mg isn’t supposed to be a megadose at all, ADD therapeutic doses are around 40mg daily if I well remember. 15mg is a starting dose for kids, says crazymeds. I’m starting to see things twarted, the rectangular screen of my laptop slightly trapezoid. Holy Mingus take my soul. I’m just that bipolar, man, I’m just that bipolar and I took too much, man, I took too much.