Immanence
Coffee is a quick way to undereating. I shouldn’t be empowering the pro-ana nuts — I mean, by all means, enjoy the good foods life gives us — but I drink enough coffee that I don’t need lunch at all. It does help that I load it up with sugar, and, yes, that means more calories but also more satisfaction.
I won’t refuse the foods my mom offers me when I get home if they’re any good — lunch leftovers age differently depending on the kind of food and will even go out of my way to cook something really “food-y” like fried eggs, hot dogs and bologna sandwiches. If I’m feeling hungry or hedonistic. Sometimes I’ve had enough coffee that I’m not hungry at all.
I lost a lot of weight on Topamax and then switched to Seroquel. The habit of not having lunch (actually arriving to work at lunchtime) kept for a while, though, so I kept getting thinner and thinner in spite of the fact that Seroquel is fattening. I don’t really feel hungry at night most of the time, and will eat for the pleasure of eating.
So I’m not willing to give up pleasures to become unnaturally thin. I’m just drinking coffee my way into it. Maybe I’m not 0.05 anorexic, more like 0.5 anorexic, but “soft” anorexic in a way that anorexia is not one of my first priorities. General pleasure comes first. Mostly intellectual, but some foods are good.
Maybe I just happen to be obsessed over the word “anorexia” because fucked up things haven’t happened for months and months, I’m happy with my job, my girl, etc. And I’m supposed to be fucked up — I’ve always been fucked up until Pax Seroquel.
I do want to be unnaturally skinny.
Breadcrumb trails:
Anorexia, Bologna Sandwiches, Calories, Coffee, food, Fried Eggs, Good Foods, Habit, Hot Dogs, Job, Leftovers, Lunch, Lunchtime, Mom, Nuts, Pax, Pleasure, Pleasures, Priorities, Pro Ana, Satisfaction, Seroque, Seroquel, Spite, the habit, TopamaxRelated posts:
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