// μ = m // dayvan cowboy // music is math

Since this has gone into diary mode, I should mention I’m very happy with my girl. It’s all just so comfortable. I filmed her yesterday and watching her on my ipod I feel like it’s a female actor playing my parts.

It feels right. It feels “healthy” too, in a way my relationships with borderline women (all my previous relationships have been with borderline women) never were. I don’t need her to be happy. She doesn’t need me to be happy. I really like her. She really likes me. It’s just as simple as that. No expectations, no anxiety, no fear, no suffering.

Happiness. It feels “healthy” because it feels like stuff will still be effortlessly good when the early-relationship passion cools off.

I ended up working all night long to finish work due today. I’m still expected to get the comments on a previous version of this tomorrow morning and have a meeting about it all in the early afternoon. It also takes me a two-hour commute to get to work.

I accidentally skipped my meds after staying out all night friday. My drug schedule is all screwed up, not to mention the 15mg of Ritalin I took along the last 12 hours.

So I can either take the 8:40 bus and get there at about 10PM (and risk my colleague not being there with the comments) or take the 10:30 bus and get there about 12PM. I’m supposed to maximize for un-sleepiness and information digested and processed by the time of the meeting.

Should I just skip my antipsychotic again? All reason points to no — I need to counter all the craziness and be sane by tomorrow. On the other hand, if I take my antipsychotic and my benzodiazepines I might not be able to wake up at all, no matter how loud the alarms. And I skip the benzos I might be sleepy and get that kind of “hidden anxiety” that gets me deep into the DR/DP twilight zone.

Oh fuck, I’ll just take all my meds as prescribed this time. Work be damned.

(Edit: I just took twice the antipsychotic “to make up” for the one I missed, for an “extra unscrambling factor” and just for the heck of it, to knock me out reeeeal good. ‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony that’s life)