// μ = m // dayvan cowboy // music is math

These mayonnaise posts might be annoying from the point of view of the reader and sure hurt my googleability and reader attention, but there’s so much context involved in most post and it’s kinda tiresome introducing it as-needed, not to mention forcing anyone who really wants to understand this story to decipher through the breadcrumb trails scattered over short-ish, this-is-now posts.

My psychiatrist. My psychiatrist is a psychopharmacology geek who has studied under who he consider his Master, a psychopharmacology geek from Spain. I mean, he went all the way through med school, but he still holds a special place to this Master.

What being a psychopharmacology geek means is that we’ve gone through a lot of meds trying to optimize my experience. Most psychiatrists will give you lithium or Depakote and expect you to cope — actually bullying you into coping and keep taking your meds — and while that does work wonders, statistically — as in preventing relapse for N weeks, where N is a function of the size of your research grant, I for one know that I would have lost a lot in life if I had been in Depakote monotherapy, even if that meant avoiding a few hypomanic flip-outs.

He’s actually cool with me doing some psychopharmacological experimentation — not taking other people’s drugs, I guess, though I never had the chance, but fiddling with my doses in general and being discretionary about my clonazepam and ritalin in particular. I did earn his trust by being responsible, extremely well-informed and being fantastically aware of my moods so psychopharmacological experimentation can lead to optimal experience. I think he’s glad I don’t have major psychological issues that interfere with him being a psychopharmacology geek working with psychopharmacological optimization.

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS POST. I was manic, trying to drug myself out of it, and I used broken, terse english that recquires extra reader attention to get the point. Antpsychotics are not nootropics. Risperidone won’t make you smarter. I addressed these points on a comment, but this has become the primary driver of traffic to this website, so it should be STRESSED OUT.

Risperidone makes me smarter.

This is not the first time a drug is introduced in my cocktail for circumstantial reasons and has deep, nontrivial effects. Apparently antipsychotics make me smarter, and since I’ve been taking more of them than I should — even though they make me depressed and I’m only supposed to take them for two weeks ending thursday — I’m switching to Geodon, which is supposed to work the same, not mess with your hormones (making me smelly and even more girly) and be a mild antidepressant too.

So, wait, is this just for bipolar people who were really really smart to begin with, but had their wits fogged down by the illness (something which I have felt), or is there smart sauce in antipsychotics which is being kept from the general population as part of a giant conspiracy?

I think it’s pretty much obvious from the phrasing which version I subscribe to, but what if more people are just fogged down and can be cleared up with antipsychotics?

Is this another “Psychiatry is underutilized” rant? Yes. Is there even such a category? It seems so .. obvious, so generative. Anyway, more young people who feel their (even mild) emotional problems have fogged their brilliance over the years should consult psychiatry.

And that symbol in the title is a bad attempt at a turnstile.